Archive for August, 2012

Imperceptible

It’s been 3 months.

3 months and 4 days, to be exact.

I thought about it all day Saturday, how when this first exploded that three-month mark was both a beacon of hope and a light so far away we could barely see it.

When we squinted.

And looked out the corners of our eyes.

The mark has come and gone. There have been no police cars in my driveway or knocking on my door. And they are somewhere out in the woods enjoying their “healthy sex life”.

The world is a cruel place. I won’t mince words any more.

From the outside, the changes in the past three months have been almost imperceptible. The FAMILY doesn’t even know. 

Rumors are whispered, silences are kept, confidences are not shattered.

And trust is not given. Trust is NEVER given.

Changes in my own soul may seem imperceptible from the outside, too, but from here inside, they feel enormous.

Terrifying.

Confusing.

Revealing.

I feel sometimes like my soul has been laid bare and scrubbed across a cheese grater a few times. I’m all bloody and raw and feel like there’s no sewing this mess up to look presentable again!

In a nutshell, my faith growing up was built on things of this world, oh, not money or prestige, rather GOOD things… parents that loved me (imperfect though they are), a solid home life, religious traditions based on Biblical principles. I can hardly complain, and I’m not trying to. I was blessed. And my faith was never tested.

Now that it has been tested I see my own weaknesses. I see how much I viewed God through my perceptions of other peoples faith. I see how I gathered my sense of standing with God by looking at how others might perceive my walk. As long as I kept up a good appearance, my membership was in good standing and my life couldn’t be openly condemned – then I MUST be doing okay.

Of course it sounds absurd! We all know it from the other side, after the cold, hard facts have smacked us upside the head! If someone had accused me of living my faith-life that way before that point three months ago I’d have argued the heck out of ’em!

This is exactly what it’s about, right? Laying bare, covered in only the muck of your own sin, knowing you have no way to get yourself clean and unstuck? Some days I don’t even want to get unstuck. I’m quite comfortable in denial and still feel justified in my judgment of those who put me in this mess. Some days I just want to keep up those appearances and hope it all straightens itself out before my parents find out or the church finds out. Some days I think about it all and know I have a good knowledge base, and a neglected relationship somewhere in there, but still feel hopeless.

And so, my only prayer is quite simple these days: Lord, please don’t leave me HERE.

He has His hands on me yet. And all He needs is my permission to pull me up out of the muck.

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