Apathy: noun – lack of feeling or emotion: IMPASSIVENESS – lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
Dear Apathy,
I hate you. You creep in to my heart and take the space up in my heart that should be given to joy, anticipation, anger, indignation, and resolve. Your grip causes my heart and soul to atrophy, paralyzing these God-given concerns and emotions. Paralyzing my will to grow and to change and to do better. It causes me to believe that I have no power to change things, that perhaps I deserve what I get. That, like Solomon writes, that “all is vanity”, and that “this too is meaningless”. Yet he also writes in the very same book, that there is “a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” In other words, it may be meaningless, but there is still a time to dance!
I will no longer let apathy rule over my desire to dream, to do, to believe. I will choose to make my choices based on faith, love, and hope. I will choose to take a step each day toward the person I want to be, toward the wife I want to give my husband the gift of, toward the mother my children can learn from and respect. It’s a big ticket, and I will fail at times. But I won’t give up. And I’m calling you to the challenge too!
Victor Hugo wrote: “It’s nothing to die; it’s frightful not to live”
It is nothing to die. Especially when death comes slowly, a prick here, a slice there, until there is nothing but scar tissue covering your heart and the numbness is the only comfort to find. It is HARD to choose to let God peel off the scar tissue, it’s HARD to choose to let Him be your only protection. I don’t even know what that means on the most basic, practical level. I really don’t. I’m learning. And it will continue to be a difficult process, I think, for a long time. But I will get there. I’m getting stronger each day. Leaning less on myself and other people, and more on the pillars of truth.
Chuck Gallozi writes in an interesting article, that “…apathy is not caused by events, but by our reaction to events.” Basically, I have chosen to allow apathy in, becoming overwhelmed by all of the things we see and are witness to that we have no control over. To be very honest here, I think in my life I have allowed it in (partly) through the TV. It is a piece of the picture here. How many times have I witnessed violence and dispair through the eyes of the TV which stirred emotions that then had to be quelled because they were simply USELESS. It was depicted violence, depicted despair. It trains us to shut down those feelings of wanting to rescue, to help, to change what we see, and replaces them with our dear friend Apathy.
Right after my first child was born I could not watch TV. No more CSI, no more NCIS, no more news. It was down to Nemo and Cinderella for me. The knowledge that those things on CSI were real, were possibilities, I couldn’t help but see as a threat to my child. I didn’t want to think about how he would grow up and have to face not just the knowledge that these horrible things actually do happen to people, but also the possibility of those things happening to him. That as he grew up I would be able to protect him less and less gripped me with fear.
I don’t want to go back to that attitude of fear, but I do want to go back to that depth of feeling. The feeling that it’s not right to stand by and watch while others are hurt, and feel helpless to do nothing. I will not walk through my life with apathy, but with dignity. For those two are not brothers, and do not coexist.
But words will not do it. I must have actions in my life to speak louder than these words. And so, if you have any words of advice for starting down this path, I’d love to hear them.
Confessions from the Rockin' Chair 