I can do this, I thought to myself as I grabbed the box of waxing strips from the cupboard and carried them into the bedroom. Why on earth I got the bee in my bonnet at 10:00 at night while my hubby was innocently laying in bed watching football I’ll never know. But I did. Maybe I was afraid I’d get halfway through the process and pass out from the pain or be unable to complete the necessary ripping action and need someone to rescue me.
I set the box down firmly on the nightstand and stripped from the waist down. First, I thought, I’ll just try a few test strips on my legs… I read the directions thoroughly as DH peeked out of the corner of his eye with a wary half-grin/half-grimace.
“What’cha doin’ sweetie?”, he asked hesitantly.
“Just experimenting.”
He chuckled nervously and went back to watching the game.
I ripped open one of the little packets labeled, “cooling pre-wipe”, used it, and waited for the areas I used it on to fully dry. Then I took out a double-sided strip from my box of Nair “Soothing” Wax Kit. I rubbed it between my hands, just like the directions told me to do, until it was “warmed up” and carefully peeled it apart before slapping one side on each shin. I rubbed it on and smoothed it out, then took out another double sided strip to “warm up”.
La la la… I hummed in my head, This won’t be so bad! All in the power of mind over matter, right?
I peeled apart the second strip and placed one half off to the side on the bed and slapped the other on the bikini line. Except these strips are about 4 inches long by 2 inches wide. There was quite a bit of, uh, overlap onto equally sensitive areas of skin.
It’s okay, I can do this! I was really going for the Brazilian wax thing anyway, right?
I laid back and took a deep breath, reached down to my poor unsuspecting shins and ripped one, then the other off my legs. Whew! Okay. I survived that. Wasn’t so bad! I looked at the used strips and was amazed to find that there were really only a few strands pulled off by the wax. So slapped the two strips back together, warmed them up again by rubbing them between my hands just like the directions told me, and tried again! With the same results. Only a few strands pulled off, despite the lovely feeling of ripping half my skin off.
At this point I’m getting a bit nervous about the strip still attached to my nether regions. I laid back on the bed while I tried to get my courage up to do what had to be done. And possibly for very little results.
“How’s it going, honey?” DH asked as he glanced away from the TV.
“he he he he he” I nervously giggled in response.
His eyes grew wide. I think on some instinctual level he felt his life was in danger with a female of the species laying in bed next to him in the middle of some kind of strange painful ritual that he really should not be witnessing! He offered to leave, but I skreeked out in a terse voice that I was “FINE!!!!”, so he instead retreated under the covers further and put a pillow over his head.
Fine. Don’t watch. Don’t help. Don’t rescue me. I’m FINE!!!! I can DO THIS!
I grabbed a pillow and shoved the corner in my mouth and bit down hard, hyperventilated through my nose, and grasped the edge of the wax strip. RRRrrrriiiiiippppPPPPEEEEEeeeeeYOWWCH!!!!Ssssss!!!! I let go of the pillow with my teeth and glanced down. Well. Then. THAT. IS. A. PROBLEM.
I had ripped half way up the strip before losing momentum and I knew there was no way I was going to gain the necessary momentum for ripping the rest of it off, so I began to slowly peel it off as gently as possible. I fell back onto the bed in relief as the horrid torture device was finally freed from my body.
That is, until I drew my knees up and my leg stuck to… … yeah. That.
Uh. What the???? I looked down to find a mess of gooey stickiness had been left behind where I had oh so gently peeled the paper and left the wax. You have GOT to be kidding me, I thought. No. Not kidding. I tried using the “soothing after” wipes they provided in the box, only to have that stick to me too. Finally got up and headed toward the bathroom, walking VERY comically through the house, I’m sure. Realizing that soap probably wouldn’t remedy this issue fully, I stopped in the kitchen and grabbed the cooking oil on my way to the shower.
The results? I tiny spot where the skin actually WAS ripped off with the wax, a quarter-sized half-way bald spot on ONE side of my hoo-ha, two partially bald shins, and a bottle of oil on the side of my tub just begging to have its story told.
Men would never dream to do these things. Never.
What makes this story even better? Two days later I went to the store and picked up a NEW box, Nad’s Facial Wax Strips “for sensitive, delicate areas”. ‘Cause trying it once was OBVIOUSLY not enough punishment.
Confessions from the Rockin' Chair 